Milwall fans: “no-one likes us, we do care”

WAITING LISTS for psychiatric treatment among supporters of Milwall FC have lengthened dramatically in recent months, leading some at the New Den to question the benefits of the side’s status as a hate club.

More than 800 Milwall fans are currently awaiting NHS help in south east London, with complaints including anxiety about Championship status, guilt at promotion via the playoffs and self-harm resulting from attempts to remove unwanted FA Cup final tattoos.

Psychiatrists say they are only now beginning to understand the ways in which being widely detested for so long can lead to deep-seated traumas. “All this ‘everyone hates, we don’t care’ stuff was clearly bravado, and an attempt to bury deep seated issues to do with neglect,” said unpopular celebrity TV psychiatrist Raj Persaud.

“My professional assessment is that these problems stem from the club’s formation and early days, when founding club secretary Jasper Sexton encouraged his disparate team to bond over internal group beatings and immigrant bashing.”

“It’s a crisis of proportions not seen in the area since Charlton suffered non-consecutive relegations,” said NHS Direct spokesperson Luke Haines. “We strongly encourage as many as fans as possible to go private to relieve the immense pressure this football club is putting on our overstretched resources, or switching support to a nice family club like Crystal Palace.”

There is now evidence that the problems have spread beyond the fans. At a recent press conference, a clearly bewildered Kenny Jackett told reporters that he was going to “get his coat” after a poor pun, only to reach for his jacket instead.

Published June 7, 2010

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