Sir Bobby Robson’s saintly reputation questioned by residents of heaven

PETTY FEUDS and faux pas have marred Sir Bobby Robson’s first nine months in heaven, according to angelic insiders.

Within hours of his arrival at the Pearly Gates, ex-Newcastle boss Robson enraged heaven’s powerful charity sector by describing Mother Teresa as “kind-hearted, but grossly overrated in the context of global poverty”.

Popular Teresa responded with accusations that Italia ‘90 was a “crock of shit” and that “any twat” could win the league with PSV Eindhoven. Her spokesman later described these quotes as “out of character”.

Speaking to reporters from heaven, Richard Whiteley said: “Robson appears to think that now he’s here, it’s job done. But it’s a tougher crowd than the Thursday afternoon Countdown bunch. You’ve got to earn respect.

“If he thinks he can trade on his impeccable earthly reputation he’s dead wrong. To be considered a real saint you’ve got to be on your best behaviour week in, week out and you won’t get far by just repeating amusing stories about mistaking Carl Cort for Shola Ameobi.”

Robson’s stint got off to the best possible start with a front-page funeral at Durham cathedral, but patience is wearing thin with the man lauded on earth as “statesmanlike”, “legendary” and an “all-round good egg”. Robson had barely unpacked his wings before he annoyed a brave fireman that died in the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre by failing to hold eye contact and interrupting to ask “so where does Princess Di normally hang around?”

Events have not improved since, with his cloudmates said to be annoyed by his habit of leaving a tap dripping in the kitchen, and failing to contribute in a whip-round for Jeremy Beadle’s leaving card.

Published April 9, 2010

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