Sky Sports News extends coverage to 25 hours per day

BSkyB HAS announced that Sky Sports News (SSN) will increase its broadcasting hours from the current 24 hour day to 25 hours, in order to maintain its stranglehold on televisual football reporting.
A spokesman for Sky Sports described the plans to bend the laws of time and physics as their most ambitious since the introduction of Fanzone. The ‘125%’ regime will come into effect for the season-defining live clash between Sheffield Wednesday and Plymouth Argyle on April 14. The big game will be relayed to viewers in hour 25 by former Owl Chris Bart-Williams commentating via a little screen in the studio.

An unconventional statement from head of channel Milford Crab said: “WOOOOOOO FFOOTY FFOOOOTY FOOTBALLLLL AARHHHHH ROOONEY!!!!!1111 OH GODDD ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH.” Adding: “HOOLLLYYY SHIIITTT!!! GOAL AT EWOOD PARK GEOFF!!!”

Fears have been expressed by some loyal Sky fans that SSN may not have enough content to fill the full 25 hours, but these have been dismissed out-of-hand by presenter Georgie Thompson: “We can categorically confirm that the moment SSN does not have enough news to fill its schedule, and begins having to repeat itself, we will pull the plug.”

Should the plans be successful, more exciting changes have been pencilled in by the channel. At the beginning of 2009 BSkyB will rewire every television set in the UK while people sleep, so that it will be impossible to switch the Sky Sports News channel off.

In 2010 the new opening credits for Bafta-winning flagship show Through the Night will contain three dimensional “death-balls”, only visible on HD sets, that will ‘jump’ out of the television and steal the souls of viewers before delivering their payload to a smug-looking Alex Quinn back in the studio.

Published April 3, 2008

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