SPECIAL REPORT: Are Grand Slam Sundays driving climate change?

SCORCHING FREE kicks, sizzling tackles and sweaty brows: the bread and butter of Premier League Grand Slam Sundays. But scientists have warned in a new report that the increasing temperatures brought about by red hot Sabbath football could be playing a larger role in climate change than plastic bags, car fumes or India.

A Sunday afternoon kick off between Chelsea and Arsenal used to pit Eddie Newton against John Jensen in a lukewarm midfield battle, but today any number of red hot duels could occur. “Studies by the Prozone organisation show that Grand Slam Sundays have heated up by 0.5 degrees Celsius per year over the last decade,” controversial report author Dr Josef Venglos said. “Yes, in the past football fans enjoyed the odd hot-tempered Cup match, warm handshake or Sunny Pike, but they were the exception rather than the rule.”

Just this Sunday viewers were exposed to dangerously hot rays emitting from Javier Mascherano’s angry confrontation with referee Steve Bennett. The danger levels reached unprecedented new heights when the Argentinean was sent off. Sky Sports commentator Martin Tyler told viewers, with palpable worry in his voice, that the match was “at boiling point” as early as half time.

The problems weren’t limited to the game at Old Trafford. A small fire broke out at the Shed End after a goalmouth scramble, but was quickly stamped out by Manuel Almunia before the referee could see. Later, Chelsea’s Didier Drogba was forced to remove his shirt when celebrating his equalising goal, as temperatures had reached such stiflingly high levels.

With near-unbearably exciting headed goals from Wes Brown and Bacary Sagna, climate change groups have said that catastrophe was only averted because of the unseasonably nippy temperature around the country. Sky Sports was singled out for particular criticism by pressure group ‘Kick Sun out of Sundays’.

Spokesman Constance Gardner said: “It’s all too easy to see how things have got out of hand. With moody shots of railway tracks, confusing battle imagery on adverts, an intense tribal drum soundtrack and digitally enhanced clips of match action which showed Jamie Carragher’s thighs literally on fire, it’s difficult not to feel a bit hot under the collar.”

Venglos’ report predicts that in the near future spectators may have to wear special glasses to deflect the rays emitted from the dazzling interplay between Fabregas and Hleb, but the most catastrophic effects could spread beyond football. In Venglos’ worst case scenario, Grand Slam Sundays will continue to provide hotter and more intense action until they eventually reach boiling point by 2050. “The only possible outcome will be a melting of the polar ice caps and a rise in sea levels,” said Venglos. “In global terms this could be disastrous for the future of humanity. In footballing terms, expect a return to dominance for centrally based, landlocked teams like Nottingham Forest and Derby County.”

Such are the worries, the whole of today’s Prime Minister’s Questions was devoted ways to deal with the problem. Gordon Brown said that the government was looking into plans to place limiting quotas on showboating, slide tackles and longstanding bad feeling between club captains exacerbated by tabloid tittle-tattle. The PM has also warned Sky that it will not be free from censure by discreetly re-branding Big Four clashes as ‘Blockbuster’, ‘Massive’, or ‘Apocalypse’ Sundays.

However, leader of the opposition David Cameron suggested that more drastic action was needed and highlighted the Conservative policy that would force Big Four sides to field at least three players per game from eras when they weren’t very good. Mike Marsh, Clayton Blackmore, Eddie McGoldrick and Nigel Spackman have been tipped to become the faces of the policy when it is unveiled at the Conservative Party conference next year.

But not everyone agrees with Dr Venglos’ conclusions. Jimmy Greaves wrote in his weekly column in the Daily Mirror: “There’s absolutely no evidence for these claims, and it’s a stone cold fact that if Venglos had his way we’d all be wearing sandals, riding bicycles and munching on muesli in his Communist utopia. I for one love a bit of extra sunshine and if that is the result of watching Michael Ballack and Michael Carrick battle it out 24/7 then I say play on.”

Grand Slam Sundays through the ages
• The first Grand Slam Sunday occurred in 1901 when Royal Engineers played out a 1-1 draw with Ye Olde Arsenale. A global audience of over one billion followed the action via telegram, and commentator Mycroft Motson’s spine-tingling account of the Engineers’ equaliser has been preserved for posterity in the Preston National Football Museum: “Ball long STOP Shot Crowthorne STOP Goal STOP Take bow son STOP”.

• Grand Slam Sundays remained relatively sedate and tepid throughout most of the twentieth century. In the 1980s, meteorologists did record temperature spikes during all-Big Four clashes, but put the results down to other factors, including the introduction of riveting Eastenders omnibuses and a surge in the popularity of tight shorts causing excitement among menopausal women.

• Only since the millennium have Grand Slam Sundays raised eyebrows in environmental quarters. As far back as 2006, Al Gore spearheaded a campaign involving many of Hollywood’s liberal elite which aimed to take the heat out of English football.

• Controversial documentary A Negative Score For Soccer followed, and featured a drawn out but ultimately inconclusive analysis of the temperature of Ryan Giggs’ boots before and after a Grand Slam Sunday game against Liverpool.

Published March 24, 2008

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