Spurs: “Champions League money won’t change us”

TOTTENHAM BOSS Harry Redknapp has told friends and family that his club will remain “the same old Spurs” after winning a life-changing windfall by qualifying for the Champions League Group stage.

Spurs have played down rumours that their first, reserve, under-18 and under-9 squads will all be receiving Rolls Royces made of gold, instead pledging to keep the regular Premier League job they have held for the last 18 years.

“No, I mean, to be fair, you know, it’s t’riffic,” Redknapp said. “We’re going to be the same lovable farce we’ve always been, even though we’re now rich beyond our wildest dreams.”

“We’ve still got players like Jonathan Woodgate on our books and fans that believe we’re going to win every competition we enter next year because the year ends in a ‘1’, so we won’t go changing.”

Redknapp insists that the club has no plans to up sticks and move to a more fashionable area, saying that Spurs are happy in Tottenham and have a number of good friends in the area.

“Sure, we might splash out on a new dugout, a couple of holidays to mainland Europe, a few young up-and-coming English midfielders, some well-placed bribes to top officials and a pearly king outfit for me to wear on matchdays, but the money ain’t going to change us.”

Notoriously unlucky Spurs have never come close to such a huge win before, their previous high-point was a comically oversized novelty bear earned at the Arabian Derby stall on a pre-season tour to Margate in 1983.

The club are especially wary of letting the money go to their head, after Everton became an exercise in obnoxious tastelessness following their brief Champions League run in 2005.

The extravagant Merseyside club ran up millions of pounds worth of bills on jewellery, flowers and indoor swimming pools and are now a sad shadow of a once-proud club, playing their away fixtures in a ghastly nouveau-riche pink shirt.

Published August 26, 2010

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