Stoke remove Row Z from Britannia Stadium to encourage more cultured play

FOLLOWING STINGING criticisms of their long ball tactics and over-reliance on Rory Delap’s strong forearms, Premier League underdogs Stoke City have announced plans to overhaul their identity with a string of initiatives including French pastries, fashionable tailoring and a technique known as ‘passing’.

The Potteries club will begin work this week on removing the back row of seats from their Britannia Stadium to encourage a more subtle defending style, but this is just the first stage in a number of measures designed to improve perceptions of the club.

“It’s time for phase two,” said Potters boss Tony Pulis. “I’m swapping my tracksuit and cap for a shirt and tie from Ciro Citterio, and we’re trying out a number of modern continental ideas on the training pitch. We had chocolate croissants for breakfast this morning.

“Rory Delap can launch 40 yard hand grenades into the box all day long, but the lads have been experimenting with short throws to feet in training. Although it seems alien to them at the moment, Premier League fans expect some variety, and this is exactly the sort of thing they want to see.”

A memo has been sent around all Premier League programme editors urging them not to describe Stoke players as “a bit of a handful”, “no-nonsense”, or “good in the air”. Instead, the club have suggested that “skilful”, “cultured”, and “of Premier League standard” be used instead.

The club has also written to the nearby Wetherspoons pub, asking it to upgrade to a Lloyds No. 1 Bar, and a secret party of club officials has been dispatched to Los Angeles to persuade bipolar celebrity Robbie Williams to finally switch allegiance from unfashionable local rivals Port Vale.

“We know that we can win the physical battles all over the pitch, but what we’re now looking to do is win the battle for the hearts and minds of British football supporters,” said midfielder Seyi Olofinjana.

But displaced Stoke supporters who held Row Z tickets are unhappy with the way the club is going. Despite being offered half their money back and a reserved standing spot on that hill behind the corner flag, fans spokesman Henry Barnes said “The club are out-of-touch with their loyal supporters.

“It’s all very well for Stoke to change with the times, but we’ve got a fine tradition of route one football, conservative kits, and violence. The money men are ripping the soul out of this club.”

Published January 3, 2009

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