Football periodical enters the digital age

HOLD ON to your rattles, adjust your rosettes, and stub out your brightly coloured terrace fireworks, because the much-loved football newssheet The Gaffer has found its way onto the World Wide Web

The publication launched in 1854 as an FA-backed attempt to discredit William Webb Ellis (the inventor of rugby) as a Communist homosexual, and entered the internet age in familiarly headline-grabbing style last night, with a star-studded launch at the Guildford branch of Frankie and Benny’s.

Guest speaker Tony Daley told the audience that he was “delighted” that football would be finally getting some coverage on the web. Daley went on to regale the gathered dignitaries – including Dudley Sutton, famed for his role as Tinker on TV’s Lovejoy - with eight different stories about dressing room pranks he played on Dalian Atkinson and Shaun Teale. Despite widespread media excitement about the launch, some long-term readers have expressed worry at the The Gaffer’s new direction. "The internet is a dangerous, ‘here today gone tomorrow’ medium and The Gaffer would be better off sticking to what it does best and keeping this faddish technology at arm’s length," one worried fan wrote on a Gaffer Facebook group.

But the site’s bosses have stressed that the changes will not be as startling as fans fear. The Gaffer’s owner, notorious media mogul and celebrity Diabetes sufferer Marvin Thatch, said: "This will bring some much-needed modernity to a Gaffer brand that has always tried to move with the times. We will, however, be honouring the legacy of our original publication methods by offering the absolute minimum of multimedia content."

A brief history of The Gaffer:

1854: Launched by the FA as a propaganda pamphlet, with the sole aim of bringing about the hanging of William Webb Ellis for sodomy, infanticide or treason.

1916: Editor Norman Blanchflower caused a storm when he refused to go over the top, on the grounds that football was a lot more fun and "a jolly great deal safer" than war.

1944: Dark days for The Gaffer, which supported Hitler well into World War Two, only for editor Norman Blanchflower Jr. to perform a staggering about-turn when the Allies started bombing Dresden.

1950s: The Gaffer gradually sheds its dubious image and builds up a loyal following of readers through increasingly populist features including "Buddy Holly’s World of Keepy-Uppys" and "Marylin Monroe: My favourite right halfs".

1966: A printing error on the eve of the World Cup final meant that the paper went to press a day early, thereby giving the score away to thousands of readers. For a short, unhappy period, The Gaffer became known in some circles as "The Gaffe".

1967: Hippie editor Danny Hipshorts hit upon the idea of combining his two great passions – football and psychedelia – onto one, legendary Gaffer front cover. With a little help from his friends, Jefferson Airplane, Hipshorts put together the first ever football newspaper cover-mounted 45, a dreamy folk-tinged hit featuring the Swansea City squad entitled, Turn On, Tune In, Drop Ball.

1970s: Still reeling from the 1966 debacle, and Hipshorts’ short-lived, LSD-addled reign, The Gaffer went back to basics with the appointment of a young Doug Nosebody. The new approach was a resounding success, and readers lapped up interviews with Northern hard men like Billy Bremner and Peter Sutcliffe and comic strips featuring scantily clad superwomen and casual racism.

1985: Gaffer Aid. After seeing footage of the skills famine affecting African football, Gaffer editor Nosebody planned a pair of benefit matches at Wembley and JFK Stadium, Philadelphia. However, due to an unfortunate double-booking the pitches were unplayable due to the presence of crowds watching Status Quo, Phil Collins and Hall & Oates

1989: A shocking article in the aftermath of the Hillsborough disaster titled "The Truth" alleges that double the reported amount of deaths actually occurred, and that Liverpudlians were the innocent victims of an ongoing nationwide conspiracy designed to discredit Scousers and mock their funny voices. As a result, The Gaffer enjoys particularly strong support on Merseyside to this day.

1995: In another shot at modernisation, recently-installed editor Oliver Renshaw recruits a selection of "guest editors" designed to appeal to a new generation of readers. Highlights include Chris Evans’ "Girls of Footy" issue, Damien Hirst’s formaldehyde-treated paper, and Phil Babb’s edition which was given over entirely to the Irish defender’s favourite pasta recipes.

2008: A disastrous attempt to re-invent The Gaffer as a freesheet given away on the streets of London culminates in a printing accident in which a migrant worker becomes trapped in the presses. Controversial owner Marvin Thatch’s refusal to pay for the worker’s extraction from the jaws of the outdated machinery forces The Gaffer to set up a website which critics have already called “charmingly basic”.