Traditionalists call for return of ball that doesn’t move in the air, at all

ENGLAND AND Preston North End legend Sir Tom Finney is spearheading a campaign calling for the return of the infamous “Mitre Floater” ball of the 1950s to solve the problem of this World Cup’s Jabulani ball moving too much in the air.

The Floater was filled with a precise combination of oxygen and helium and famed for its ability to remain completely motionless once in the air.

“Once that ball was in the air it was there for good” said Finney, speaking during intervals from his busy routine of tobacco chewing. “There was none of this Johnny-come-fancy-Dan-homosexual talk of balls moving in the air, just baker’s dozen after baker’s dozen of these blighters hovering dead still about 11 feet above the pitch.”

“It were a man’s game then,” added Finney.

England goalkeeper Robert Green has pledged his support to the campaign. “This ball has got a great feel to it, and the way it doesn’t move when aloft makes collecting crosses a doddle,” he said. “The heaviness will take some getting used to though, Crouchy tried to head one in training and he’s had to go home with a severe coma”.

The Floater was instrumental in forming typical English kick and rush tactics, as defenders could simply hoof the ball away from danger and into permanent suspension in the air.

The ball caused problems too, forcing a number of clubs to move from their original grounds as a direct result of its use, as spectators any higher than the first five rows of terracing could not see the action taking place underneath the thick carpet of balls suspended above the pitch.

Published June 23, 2010

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