Ask Gary Mabbutt

Welcome readers to another warm helping of wisdom from me, Gary Mabbutt, FA Cup winner and author of When Is a Right Back a Wrong Back?, one of 1997's best selling football-themed self-help books. When I'm not organising fun-runs to raise diabetes awareness, or updating my IMDB page, I offer free and impartial counselling to some of soccer's brightest young stars. Only last week, I offered a certain Portugese winger counsel via a brief text message conversation regarding his current transfer anxiety. Despite his concerns Jose Dominguez took heed of my sage advice and will shortly be appearing on for an up-and-coming Kosovan league outfit.

Who's first to get on the end of a long ball of guidance this week?

Dear Uncle Gary,
Ever since I was a youngster I've always been told I should be a centre back because I am tall and naturally big-built. My dad was what you'd call an old-fashioned alpha centre back, and he wanted me to follow in his footsteps. However, I started to have strange feelings when I was about 15 or 16. I'd spend hours fantasising about kicking the ball towards the net rather than away from it, or imagine falling extravagantly to the ground when I came into contact with other players rather than standing my ground and making 'he dived' gestures with my hands.
A few weeks ago after I'd had a few too many Powerades with the lads, I got dragged to a late night five a side session – one of those games where everyone plays any position they want, no questions asked. I volunteered to play out on the wing and despite lacking any pace or technique, I felt for the first time that I was really me. Ever since, I've felt like my whole life is a sham. I'm desperate to come out and tell everyone, but I'm worried my friends and teammates won't accept the 'new' me. I know now that I'm a flamboyant winger trapped in an uncompromising centre back's body. What should I do?
D. Wheater, Teeside

Mabbutt says: The first step is always the hardest – admitting it to yourself, and you've done that. Now you have to start your new life and forget about the past. If your burly friends and defensively-minded teammates don't accept you, then they're not worth knowing. It won't be long before similarly open players are flocking to meet the fabulous new you!

Believe it or not, a young Nick Barmby came to me as an apprentice at Spurs, crying his eyes out convinced that he was meant to be a goalkeeper. He didn't have the bravery to open up to his peers, and look where he is now: dead. Stay strong, and remember, Uncle Gary's always free for a chat (but please don't call after 9, Brenda'll kill me).

Dear Uncle Gary,
I've always been a player that's attracted interest from other players. I'm not flirtatious on the ball, but I'm confident and don't think there's anything wrong with that. I was on international duty last month and we went for a night out with the whole squad at the end of what had been a lovely holiday. It was a great laugh, and as usual I enjoyed being the centre of attention. I spent a long time in one corner of the bar talking to my strike partner, laughing and joking about our awful away kit, agreeing with his opinions about the Christmas Tree formation; I was just being friendly, and didn't think anything of it.
The next morning I woke up to seven missed calls and nine text messages. It seemed he mistook my friendliness for something more, and wanted me to leave my team and come to live with him in England. I'm perfectly happy with the professional relationship I have with him at the moment; how can I let him down gently? There's another squad get-together soon, and I really don't want to hurt his feelings.
D. Villa, Valencia

Mabbutt says: It's always hard to tell someone who's interested in you to back off. Write him a letter, explain that you want to draw up some boundaries to clarify your relationship. You might want to consider presenting it in a form he'll understand by drawing yourself in a closed-off centre circle and illustrating him prowling around the box, some distance away. He might be upset, but he'll respect your honesty.

Believe it or not I received a fair amount of admiring glances during my career. In my Spurs heyday (91/92) I think it's fair to say I was considered quite the catch. People thought that as I was prepared to leave Bristol Rovers for Tottenham I was up for anything. But I found that the occasional remark about my love for Spurs and Alan Sugar (explicitly not actual sugar) dropped casually into conversations helped clear up any misunderstandings. Just remember that - just like me when I'm tempted into bingeing on four Curly Wurlys and pack of Opal Fruits - giving into illicit temptation can be a very dangerous move.