The Inside Man

• I'll start this week by making my tips for Euro 2008, which I can reveal will be taking place in Europe at some point this year (more when I get it). I fancy the Russians to play some good stuff and make it to the semis at least, I also have a good feeling for Spain, Turkey and maybe even the Germans to make up the last four

• Back home, you may have noticed that very few domestic matches have been played recently. My sources have even spotted a few so-called Premier League footballers lounging about on beaches all over the world. I'm sure you, like me, are asking yourself what the hell's going on? No need to worry readers, I have a good feeling that all this madness will be over by mid-August

• I can exclusively reveal the contents of Ronaldo's proposed move to Real Madrid. The coveted deal will include "millions of pounds" moving in one direction and Cristiano himself in the other. If anyone asks, you didn't hear that one from me, yeah?

• Mark Hughes is incensed by reports that Paul Ince has been linked with the managerial post at Blackburn. I reckon Hughes is doing a great job and the Rovers board should be ashamed of themselves for pursuing another manager. Going above Hughes’ head for a manager who I suspect never actually played for Blackburn is sickening behaviour.

THIS WEEK'S FILTHY, CORROSIVE, SLUTTY, PUS-FILLED, PHALLIC, RACIST GOSSIP: He's fat, he's Scouse, he's going to rob your house. But more to the point Roo wouldn't believe what this Red Devil has been up to on the sly recently. An unnamed friend has let slip to me that he's over the Roon after conducting a whirlwind romance with some bloke called Colin McLoughlin, culminating in an impromptu decision to take her up the aisle in Southern Italy. As my source put it "Wazza got merked". I think the phrase is hitched Rio, you twat!