The Inside Man

• What's that coming over the hill? Is it Chimbonda? Is it Chimbond-aaa? No. It's Ledley King. But he's coming over the hill very slowly, because I've heard secret news that the Spurs defender is currently injured.

• My mole at the PFA says that Cristiano Ronaldo is "definitely in with a chance" of winning this year's PFA Player Of The Year trophy.

• Little-known Ebbsfleet United of the Vauxhall Conference league face managerial uncertainty, as I have it on good authority that boss Liam Daish is under orders from a shadowy group of secret investors numbering in the thousands.

• An unnamed ex-teammate of Ian Rush told me this week that the big Welsh striker has "extraordinarily hairy feet". Thanks for that one, Grobby.

• Has anyone else noticed that Sir Alex Ferguson hardly ever talks to the BBC? There's go to be something weird going on there. I'm not one to speculate, but I'll give you one suggestion: Illegal DVD ring circulating black market copies of Love Thy Neighbour

• Chesterfield FC are in undercover talks at a succession of off-motorway Travelodge hotels with kit manufacturers Pony about a deal to produce a new away kit incorporating the unpopular colour of "red".

THIS WEEK'S DIRTY UGLY SICK VILE HORRIFYING DRIPPING WET SOAKING BLOODY NAUGHTY RUMOUR: Which "clever" Director of Football "LEEDS" a secret double life as a knock-down-ginger addict, operating on the streets of Newcastle? The diminutive Menace (clue: "Dennis" The Menace) enjoys listening to CHELSEA Dagger on his iPod as he goes about his irritating deeds. When caught recently, the unruly rapscallion said: "Don't forget I led Millwall to an improbable FA Cup Final in 2004!"