Sepp Blatter relents and introduces goal lion technology for remaining World Cup games

FIFA CHIEF Sepp Blatter today bowed to overwhelming public pressure and agreed to implement goal lion technology for the final rounds of the World Cup.

Blatter has suffered unprecedented personal abuse since a series of errors from officials in this weekend’s games, and said the time is right to bring in goal lions – specially trained animals who can smell when balls have crossed the line, then roar to alert the referee.

Speaking amid a media storm, Blatter said: “The lions have been developed in Africa so are able to tune out the sound of vuvuzelas, which prevent some animals from concentrating.”

Blatter said his inspiration for the new measure came during an official FIFA tour of Johannesburg’s zoos. “The lions I saw were focused, hungry, lean and quick,” he said. “I’m sure they’ll do a great job, though they do tend to favour nations with lions in their nicknames, like the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon or the Relaxed Mountain Lions of El Salvador.”

Despite the potential problem of favouritism, and fears that lions are not advanced enough to smell the difference between a goalie’s towel and a football, their introduction to the world of officialdom has been welcomed by fans, players, pundits and zookeepers.

Unlucky England midfielder (and some-time metaphorical lion) Frank Lampard Jnr said: “It’s about time. They’re used in every other sport and I’ve never seen any dodgy calls from lion judges in tennis or errors from the three point lion in basketball.

“The other advantage is that they can be implemented at every level immediately. Obviously lower down the leagues we will have to improvise, but I’ve seen the FA’s plans for sealions in the Championship and cats in Leagues 1 and 2 and to be fair, Gabby, I broadly agree with them.”

But while there has been widespread applause for the lions, one BBC pundit was outraged. “There’s going to be uproar,” quipped Mark Lawrenson.

Published June 28, 2010

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