Nation unites as Howard Webb’s refereeing team storm through round of 16

ENGLAND WENT World Cup crazy yesterday after an officiating tour de force from Howard Webb, Darren Cann and Michael Mullarkey suggested that this team may have what it takes to end our 36 years of hurt and finally reach a World Cup final.

After their victorious second round match, street parties broke out across the country from Tring to Orpington, while 6-0-6 was flooded with calls praising the plucky threesome. A spokesman for JJB Sports said they had completely sold out of replica whistles, and Howard Webb’s online fanclub Howard’s Friend saw membership quadruple overnight.

“We are just trying to keep our feet on the ground,” said captain marvel Webb, before joking: “And, yes, we’re practising officiating penalty shoot outs every day!”

Pundits purred about the consistency of Cann’s flag waving and Mullarkey’s pace on the wing, “They’ve adapted to the continental game,” said a beaming Alan Shearer. “It’s refreshing to see English referees not trying to force a decision too quickly, and showing a clinical touch where it counts – in the final third.”

Retired ref Dermot Gallagher attributed England’s success so far to their training camp atop Table Mountain, chosen by Webb so that the team could acclimatise to officiating at altitude. The isolated setting is in stark contrast to the Baden Baden camp in 2006, when the media circus surrounding Mrs Poll was blamed for Graham’s yellow card confusion.

The English officials are under tremendous pressure to repeat the heroics of Jack Taylor in 1974, the last time England went all the way in the World Cup. If they can pull off a shock and make the final they can look forward to a lucrative retirement on the after-dinner circuit, where Jack Taylor regularly regails huge crowds with a series of repetitive stories about “that overcast day in 1974″

Pundits thought England would never again be in the running to provide the officials for the World Cup final, with the blame laid squarely on the English system. Roger Milford recently said: “We aren’t encouraging officials at a young enough age. Our youth refereeing is too physical, with little emphasis on card skills.

“In Brazil the youngsters hand out upwards of seven red cards a day on the Copacabana. They also train with heavy cards made out of tightly compacted newspapers, so that when they first try regulation cards they find them far easier to control.”

Published June 29, 2010

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